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This question brings people to this blog from time to time: Should I stay married for the kids? They ask it of Google or Yahoo! It is a noble question, a sign of maturity even to ask it. I was once one of those kids for whom a couple stayed married, so I can tell you there are some real plusses.
We continued to be able to afford a house and a yard in a good school district, one that got me to MIT on scholarship. I have to say thanks for this. I had two parents helping me the day I pulled off a really great sixteenth birthday picnic overlooking the Hudson River.
When both parents showed up after my husband died, they arrived together and did not add the tension a couple of divorced parents might have. Again, so much better than I see in other families that split up. However, I believe a lot of people who ask the question picture doing what my parents did, which is staying the course, a course that took an arduous route and offered little reward other than honoring their integrity and doing right by their children.
They paid a huge price for what they gave us.
Worse, we could see the price they were paying and feel the tension between them every day. Growing up, I felt fortunate, but never comfortable. And then I became one of those parents asking, "Should I stay married for our child?
The therapist I saw offered little hope of my situation changing; we cannot remold our spouses. But they missed the point entirely. Stay married for yourself. Stay married for another shot at a great marriage with the person your kids call Mommy or Daddy. Divorce gets you from -5 to 0 on the life satisfaction scale.
It gets your kids from maybe 2 if they sense your unhappiness to -8 and leaves them powerless to change any of it. Three things work for me to change everything: Assume Love - Take a second look at everything that upsets you about your mate's words and deeds by asking what might explain them if you are still loved as much as ever by someone as wonderful as you first imagined.
Expect Love - Everything you expect about what a spouse should do or how someone who loves you will act gets in the way of letting yourself be loved. An expectation is a premeditated resentment. If you have been waiting for your mate to fix your life, start fixing it yourself.
Prepare to be surprised by the forms love takes when you stop trying to dictate what it should look like.
Find Third Alternatives - When you disagree, let go of your first choice to free yourself to look together for an even better choice, one at least as good for you with the bonus of making your spouse happy, too.
Never settle for being a doormat or for being right without being kind. Afraid you might be putting on rose-colored glasses and changing nothing?
Rose-colored glasses are actually part of most happy marriages. Your kids want you to fall in love all over again with their other parent. Give it a try.
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Apr 05, · I hope that too. It's, as I said, very early yet, but I'm hoping to use the coming two updates mainly on story - currently it's just about words, but I have between and (depending on what I end up including) not yet used - and that's just really for the first month, month and a half.
Meeting new women friends for relationships is much better than going back in time with old female school mates. When I think more about those old female school classmates, they were the biggest.
In those days, Kalish says, tracking down a lost love was hard work, requiring hours on the telephone calling old friends, friends of friends, relatives. The digital revolution changed all that.